Dilemma

More than a dilemma. A life crisis.

I moved to NYC last September to get a master’s degree. I graduate in May, and so far I’ve had no luck in finding a job. I’ve had two internships, and I would gladly take another, if I could get it. The publishing industry is rapidly evolving, and while the need for content will always be there, perhaps certain jobs and positions won’t be. I’ve been told people are proud of the things I’ve done. And a friend said to me that I moved here for my “dream job,” so I should be happy that I’m even getting, or taking, the chance.

But the truth is. I have no idea if this is my dream or not. I have no idea what I truly want out of life. Well, I thought I knew. I really thought I had it all figured out. And then last year, that part of my life was gone. Just like that. And I can’t help but have the thought that if I hadn’t moved, if I hadn’t left home to pursue this thing that I wasn’t really 100% sure about anyway, that maybe that part of my life would still be in tact and I would be happier. As graduation looms, and potential joblessness, I keep turning my thoughts back to Michigan, back to home. But I doubt things could ever be the same, even if we both wanted them to be. And what would I do in Michigan? Move back with my mom (no offense meant, I love being around her, but I’d be closer to 30 than 20, and still living with my parents. No thanks.) And what would I do for a job there any more than I would do for a job here? At least at home I’d have people I know and love, and a lower cost of living. But I’d feel useless, and like I wasted my time, and money, even doing this in the first place.

I have about 5 months to get my shit together. But right now I’ve never felt so conflicted and truly lost in my entire life.

Edited: January 6th, 2010